Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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