Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
