HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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