there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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