im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They are going to name an STD after you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
