Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.