So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN