what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Come on in and take your pants off
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