Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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