I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
