Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you still have your period?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
