Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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