it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
