Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
