I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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