her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
