big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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