mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
