What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
