Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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