i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
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also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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