no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
