we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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