3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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