Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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