That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
