he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
