is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's shark week go big or go home
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
