I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
