Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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