Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
