So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
