does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
True college students do jello shots in the library
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
