You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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