If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
