saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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