its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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