it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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