I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
