Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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