If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I am one with the molecules
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
