Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
