I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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