3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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