new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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