I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
