He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
