just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
