I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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