Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
