She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
