I got chris browned last night
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
