I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
