I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
