my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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