haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If that was your dad, he is hot
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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