handjob tips. give me some.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
