if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
